Where the Spirit deposits

Who knows where the Spirit is leading and whom you will touch?

Last Sunday morning the reading from the Book of Acts (8:26-40) was the story of Philip and the work of the Holy Spirit. It is the story of the conversion of the Ethiopian Eunuch. In this story we are told that Philip drops in and drops out of the life of this court official. While he is with this God-fearer, Philip explains the message of text that he has been reading in Isaiah, and how the fulfillment was found in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. One more is added to the contingent of believers in Jesus Christ, as the Eunuch asks to be baptized, and Phillip responds without hesitation. “And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away.” Wow, now that is blowing in the wind!

It’s a great story, for many reasons, most of which I will entirely ignore today. Bishop Mary Ann Glasspool used it as the basis for her sermon at the Bloy House Graduation on Saturday. It was tough to resist using the message I had just heard the day before as I prepared to preach on Sunday, but I did. (I stuck with the Gospel of John and the image of the vine being the church, and the organic nature of this passage, and my own theological view of pruning not as judgement, just the cycle of life). So, while I was working in my garden, trimming and tending to the roses I was thinking about the truth contained in the text from Acts as a message for me.

Here I am, seeking to be faithful, to serve God as best I can. There are days when I think perhaps I’m seeking something beyond my reach; a fool of sorts. At times, I feel blown around and confused by what I experience as the direction of the Holy Spirit. Am I being faithful and am I discerning clearly? Why am I here now? What lies ahead? Is this how Philip felt when “an Angel of the Lord” instructed him to “get up and go”?

But every so often the Spirit shouts at me; “it’s not just about you!”

Yesterday I recalled the many changes that have occurred in the lives of both Tim, and I. The journey we have traveled thus far has been filled with many places of grace and healing presence. While I continue to think in terms of my calling being the reasons for our itineration to Idaho, for me to assume the authority and responsibility of a ministry as pastor once I completed my M.Div., so much more occurred during that time in Idaho.

While I was fully occupied with the care of the congregation and ministry in the community, Tim had the opportunity to explore a new vocation* as well, in the healing ministry of being a first responder. Rural communities throughout the nation depend almost entirely upon the willingness of neighbors to become equipped and serve, responding to emergencies without pay.**

Since returning to California he has continued to take work as an EMT. Yesterday, I began to recall some of the stories he has told me about calls to which he has responded. I began to realize that the Holy Spirit has been using my calling as a way to draw Tim into his own healing ministry.

Many of the calls he has dealt with have just been usual race track incidents. But then there have been cases where having an EMT present really was a matter of life preserving significance.

He also has stories of responding to accidents where the ending remains a mystery to us. On a ride home after work, when a collision occurred, the driver sitting with the forklift pressed against the throat was in danger of bleeding out waiting for the local EMS to arrive on scene. Remaining calm, assessing the situation and applying pressure made the difference between certain death and possible recovery. 

What neither of us know is what will become of each of the people that are still alive because Tim was equipped, and ready to respond to their emergency. How will God move in each of their lives because Tim was there for just the right period of time and then sent off to another place. This is the mystery we need to embrace as we continue to discern to what place and for what purpose we will go next, and for how long we are to stay in any place.

Every now and then it is helpful to sit under a rose bush and stare into the tangled form to clear out the overgrowth and deadheads. You never know what the Spirit will suggest to you as you work away at the task.

One thing is clear to me, God doesn’t make it easy. And frankly, I think that’s not playing fair. At least Philip had “an Angel of the Lord” telling him what to do, and provided the transportation at the end of the mission too. I could use an encounter with one of your Angels, Lord. 

I promise, I’ll pay proper attention if you do send one, if you make it clear that this is your messenger.

Would you send one to us soon? Picture id included?!

* He has maintained his insurance license in the state of California and, while in Idaho also held current Insurance License in that state as well. 

** There is great inequity throughout the nation’s medical care when the system relies upon volunteers, rather than providing employment. Young people needing to support themselves are drawn away to larger metropolitan areas so that they can earn a living fulfilling their calling because the economies of smaller communities cannot bare the burden.

Great Triduum

Tonight is the beginning of the Great Triduum; three solemn days of remembrance before the great Resurrection Celebration. In these three days, which for me become ever more dear with the passing of each year, we reflect on the final days of Jesus’ ministry on earth.

In the Gospel of John, following the triumphal entry into Jerusalem when the Greeks came to Phillip and Andrew saying they wanted to see Jesus we begin to see Jesus shut down his public ministry. The response to the request which was related to Jesus by Andrew and Phillip sidesteps the request. Jesus begins talking about his “hour”. He talks about the need for death and uses a grain of wheat as his example. The Greeks, on that day, were apparently left with an unsatisfied longing, an unfulfilled yearning to see Jesus. Somewhat oddly the way the lectionary is currently set up, this passage was assigned to the fifth week of Lent, pulled out of the chronology and placed before us to reflect upon those who still long to see Jesus. It provides a call to faithful discipleship for the church in this hour. After preaching on this text John 12:20-33, two weeks ago I presented a challenge to each and all, self included, for us to pray about where we were being called to become broken open, like the grain of wheat Jesus taught about, to bear fruit.

During the Paschal Triduum we are brought to table, the garden, the trial, the cross, and the tomb. We encounter the sinfulness of humanity as well as the heroism. The love and devotion as well as the betrayal which comes from being weak and human are played out for self examination and meditation on the life of the one we claim to be the source of our salvation.

Do you wonder, as I do, how much Jesus “knew” and how much Jesus “intuited” of the coming end to his human life? Did God reveal to him, as centuries later Martin Luther King related his mountain top experience? Was it “just a feeling” that had to be followed, as we so often chart courses for our lives? Did Jesus really and truly remember what he left behind when he “emptied himself of divinity” to become incarnate?

Does it matter to you in your journey of faith as it seems to matter for mine?

The incarnation is interpreted in many ways. Some hold such high Christological formulas that it seems that Jesus never really did suffer. That heterodoxy diminishes the ability for me to find comfort from Jesus, as Great High Priest. Jesus as the pattern and perfecter of our salvation must have had to deal with temptation, but demonstrated the power of the Almighty Father-Mother accessible to all humanity, even you, even me. This is the Jesus I need to encounter in Scripture in order to place my whole faith and trust in the Triune God. .

I favor a view of Jesus growing in wisdom and understanding as a human, gifted with intuition and empowered with a spiritual discipline to grow in grace and love to follow the inspiration of God through the presence of the Holy Spirit in his life. With that I can imagine his wrestling with the decisions of each day, in the same way that I must toss and turn options and speculate upon the results of my actions.
Unlike me, Jesus was so perfectly connected to the Divine Source of all life that each decision served to fulfill the Divine Intentions for all humanity. And yet, El Shaddai withheld the use of any coercion upon Jesus.

It is conceivable that Jesus would have never even sat upon the colt which had never before ridden. Jesus could have chosen obscurity, anonymity and lived a very long life in human form.

But he didn’t and the rest, as they say is history.

In the end he gathered his disciples together and remembered the Saving Acts of God for the children of Abraham and Sarah. He offered a new interpretation for the meal that they shared together that night to provide the way to continue his presence among them, after the fleshy temple was destroyed.

He enacted a parable of servanthood in the washing of his disciples’ feet. He taught them that servants are never greater than their masters.

Then he called them his friends. Thick or thin, good times and bad, they were his friends for whom he prayed and beseeched the Father to grant power to go forth in his name.

This is where the Greeks come in. Only through those who would later receive and use the power gifted to them would the Greeks come to see Jesus. Through the mystery of the community which would repeatedly share the meal in remembrance of Jesus’ death and resurrection until he comes again in Glory, the Greeks and Romans, Celts, Galations, (the list goes on) came to see Jesus, to see and be set free.

Tonight we gather to retell the story and experience the presence of God amongst us. It is a night for reflection upon our own discipleship. Have we picked up the cross, been able to drink the cup, wash the feet, feed the hungry, heal the sick, release prisoners from their peculiar bondages? Have we looked upon all around us and seen the face of God in each person? Have we gone to the places that Jesus would have us go? Have we denied the Lord Jesus?

Tonight is a night to watch and wait with Jesus, either in community through the vigil which follows in the sanctuary with the Blessed Sacrament or in private meditation. For me this will be a solemn time of prayer and reflection upon my ministry and the next turn in my journey.

One month from today, May 5, 2012, I will, by the grace of God, have completed the work and will be presented a certificate that acknowledges my completion of the course Anglican Studies at Bloy House. Beyond that accomplishment, there is a significant amount of uncertainty.

I have colleagues from other places that are preparing to depart for Thailand, and changing posts from Mozambique to parts unknown. A call to church planting begins to resonate with me, though not to a distant place. I have been led back to this place to learn and to grow as well as serve. All around I see signs that I am in a field where the harvest is still plentiful but laborers few. My own calling is a mission to proclaim, to witness, to serve, to teach, to equip, to bring healing and reconciliation through word and sacrament and they await me, though only the Divine Author of all Creation knows the location. I feel it may be very near to where I already am. I know not for sure and wait upon the blowing of the Holy Spirit to direct my path.

Pinch My Nose

I walk from my car, parked in a lot a short planned community block away.
I turn the corner and half way up the next block I see the screen to the front door open.
Judith steps out on the small porch and greets me with her usual smile as I approach.

Today I met with my spiritual director. I look forward to these meetings. We have developed a deep spiritual connection over the course of our two years together. Each meeting encourages me to look within and toward the Holy that binds us together. I marvel at her quiet attention to the holy. I observe that she is always so still, peaceful, kind and loving. I wonder to myself, does she ever burn with a fury at injustice? Shout at the top of her lungs “Stop the madness!”? If she does, I never see that carry into our meetings. She seems the perfect peace pilgrim, always calming, the result of years following the habits of the Society of Friends, the Quaker tradition.

Stepping into the cool of her living room we hug momentarily and exchange greetings, a familiarity that has grown over time. This embrace was not always a part of our relationship, evolving only after trust had been well established between us.

Spiritual direction is a unique relationship, established between two people with the expectation that there will be deep regard and concern for the directee, but not a friendship in the sense of sharing large quantities of time in activities outside the sessions of spiritual direction. Physical affection is not what drew me into this relationship, nor what Spiritual Direction is primarily about. Maintaining healthy physical boundaries is tremendously important in ministry. I am, in fact, by nature quite stand offish regarding hugging in the congregation. Serving as a pastor for four years I learned that in spite of my own preference, a cautious behavior toward hugging, there are certain times and also certain people that do have a deep need for hugs. Hugs seem to serve as assurance of the other persons’ regard for them. This is a place of regular internal examination for my ministry.

After an hour drive to reach her home/office she offers simple hospitality. Judith offers a glass of water, and allows me time to stop into the restroom before we start our session.

When I reenter the living room she is already seated in her usual place and I take my place. After two years there is no longer need for words about where to sit. It is a comfortable routine, much like finding one’s pew in the sanctuary of the family church.

As I settle into my seat I observe the candle, in a simple holder, a small statue and flowers in a vase. I comment that the colors seem to predict fall. The table cloth and the flowers are deep rich colors; orange daylily with a spike of blue Agapantha; a deep rich green and black weave on the table anticipate the arrival of Fall to which she acknowledges she is prematurely pushing the last edge of summer toward autumn, her favorite season of the year.

As we begin to shift attention to the “work” of our time, she asks my preference for how to move forward. Never is a meeting scripted in advance. That is one of the joys of being in spiritual direction. Each meeting presents itself as an open invitation to the Holy in relationship with joined hearts, minds and spirit. It is Holy conversation and prayerful connection. Prayerful listening is the hallmark of her practice.

For today we started with a time of quiet. For myself, it was an attempt at centering prayer.

I close my eyes and rest comfortably in the oversized chair with my feet on the ottoman. With my eyes closed I listen and barely hear a sound. For a few minutes I am distracted by my body. I have an itch at nose, and a twitching in my thoughts. I remind myself of the intention of centering prayer, to be in the presence of God, but not to talk. This is a time for listening, and being. I shift my attention to this being, recalling my sacred word. Shalom.

All around it seems perfectly quiet, and then I realize the quiet is my own inner ears being closed over. Like my grandson diving into a pool holding his nose, I reach up to my nose and pinch it.

I pinch my nose, gently blow and now, all at once I can hear. The pressure that built up in my ears as I traversed down the mountain pass has been released and I am now aware of the gentle movement on the other side of the front door.

Not a person, who would interrupt the quietude, but the movement of the wind around the wind chimes that hang in her front yard. In this movement surrounding us I sense the Holy Spirit’s presence. Again I must remind myself that I am trying to rest in the presence of God, not think about things good or bad, or to converse with God. Centering prayer is an emptying of self to allow the presence of God to speak.

I am still for a time and then begin to see a purple glowing on the inside of my eyelid. Is this God? I know not, but feel at peace in this time. I continue to observe this pulsating purple light for a few more seconds and then realize it has subsided. Where are you God? Was that you on the inside of my eyelids? Where are you now?

I settle more deeply into being. I never am sure about how much time has passed since I bring no wrist watch to the session and tuck my cell phone out of reach. I trust Judith’s sense of timing will be sufficient for our time together.

Eventually I begin to open my eyes and observe. Judith is still as a statue. I wonder, briefly, for no real good reason, “is she okay?” This passes. I wait silently for her to rejoin me. I think to myself, in awe, what great ability to be perfectly still, at peace, and receptive to the Holy. I ask of myself and God, why am I not able to do that.

When she returns her outward attention to me she asks me to name words for what describes where I am at the present time. Transition, gratitude and peace are my words. I share about transitions, as returning to school, this time at Bloy House, to begin my Anglican Studies program on Fridays and Saturdays. I share about the blessings of having a supportive community, assisting me in obtaining my books for the semester and also about the housing through Myra House; it’s asthetic appeal and more frugal price for each weekend.

There are many reasons someone engages in Spiritual Direction. All clergy are encouraged to have a spiritual director. Read histories of the ancients and monastic communities and you will encounter references to one’s spiritual director with regularity.

For me it spiritual direction serves multiple purposes. Nominees for Holy Orders in the Episcopal Church are expected to establish a relationship with a spiritual director as they engage in the discernment process. Spiritual directors have their own spiritual director as a form of supervision. Judith is my spiritual director with the intention that she is also my supervisor for any spiritual direction I provide to directees.

My relationship with Judith was established upon my return to California from Idaho. I was aware of a need for a neutral place to engage in conversation in discerning God’s direction for my life. At that time I was exploring vocational options to parish ministry. I was curious about spiritual direction as a vocation, exploring the possibility of Chaplaincy and considering the idea of returning to the Episcopal Church. I was suddenly and quite unexpectedly unemployed and looking for answers to where God was leading me to be engaged in the work of the church in the world. I learned of Judith through the Still Point Center for Christian Spirituality as I investigated various training programs for career transition.

In our time together through the past two years I have retained an interest in the becoming a spiritual director and yet, in all reflections the essential part of my call to ministry has been the call to parish as a priest. I’ve navigated the waters of changing denominations with Judith serving as my spiritual director and find satisfaction in learning through the experience how to guide others in their experience of the holy and discernment. This has been a great blessing.

Meeting with Judith regularly provides me an opportunity to reflect on what has been happening in my life during each intervening period. She raises questions which provoke self-examination. There may be a specific connection to what I say and some words of wisdom which she feels led by the Holy Spirit to impart to me for my own spiritual growth. She may offer a suggestion of a spiritual practice, or suggest a place to be in reflection. When I leave at the end of the session I know that I will not simply be a name filed away until our next meeting. I am not a “case”. I am someone for whom she has accepted a special responsibility. I will remain in her daily prayer concerns, because that is the nature of spiritual direction.

As is true for most clergy relationships, our time together is held as a confidential relationship; all usual caveats remaining. Judith retains the right, the moral duty to break confidence if a directee indicates a potential desire to cause harm to self or others.

As we conclude our time together she suggests a revision in our schedule, a time for our next meeting which will correspond to my schedule for classes in Claremont.

I leave her cottage and head to my car for the return ride home, savoring the reality of God’s presence, the gift of quiet peace and hopeful about the transition back to seminary work and new ministry endeavors in the parish.