Confessions as Actions of Liberation

"The Joys of parents

are secret,

and so are their

griefs and fears"

Francis Bacon

For the past seven months I've been actively engaged in ministry and continued pastoral formation through Clinical Pastoral Education (C.P.E.) in an acute care setting. My assigned units include women and children's services. Sadly, chaplains aren't called to Labor and Delivery for the multitude of joyous healthy deliveries. We are mostly called to attend at the times of sorrow.

The challenge for myself in this ministry area is that I am blissfully and perhaps naively living without having any personal experience with miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of a beloved and dearly desired baby. To become attuned to the unique grief experiences has been a privileged place of observation as well as self examination.

Every family has some hidden story- some secret(s) and some unspoken rules. My CPE peer group spent our last unit working on genograms and using that to further our understanding of family dynamics.

As a chaplain, it is not uncommon to have a patient share the places of their deepest long unspoken pain, their deepest fear. The confessional nature of the conversation is most sacred. The healing that the patient experiences in the process is sometimes immediate.

More often the transformation occurs gradually and without obvious markers of change until reflected upon much later by the speaker.

This is most priestly work of which I am engaged in, with peers and with patients. The work begins with personal assessment and reflections on my own life narrative and flows outward from that awareness.

My offering learned from this work flows as poetry, not prose. 

Who tells the secret of our lives?

Why do we hold the secret

and why do we reveal it?

What purpose achieved?

What power imparted?

What alliance formed

or thwarted?

Does it bear witness

 to love

  to fear

   to bitterness

    to desire

Does it bear witness

     to hope

      to desire

       to despair?

Does it bear witness

          to faith

           to fidelity

      to kindness or cruelty?

The most difficult work of the chaplain is resisting the urge to "solve a problem". The truly difficult work is to remain present, open and attentive to the emotions which have been bottled up, sometimes for many decades. The chaplain often must resist the impulse to rush to judgment, or condemnation. To truly allow the patient to give voice to the secret of the self which has so long been concealed is the act of emancipation, liberation, and healing the prophets spoke of and Christ enjoined his followers to mimic.

One C.P.E. Supervisor enjoins students with the aphorism "conversation is medicine".

Yoga Toes

Winter is thankfully long past and many transitions have been progressing during the past four months.

After moving from the home which we really conceived of as our place of retirement we have been settling into new daily patterns of living.

Some changes have been very good, and really quite unanticipated.

Gone is my morning walk in the desert.

It has been replaced with a gym membership and resumption of yoga practice.

My first introduction to yoga was during my ministry in Ashton, Idaho. A wise woman of the congregation approached me about offering a short introductory yoga class. She first met the teacher through her ministry to the dying as a Hospice Volunteer. The community interest in the yoga class was enthusiastic.  We started with a six week session in the fall, before the heavy winter weather would create travel problems at night. My own experience was positive. Frankly though, I simply lacked enough discipline to continue on my own after the offering. We repeated the offering again the following year. And again I lacked discipline to keep up the practice. Too many real obstacles to engage in a student-teacher relationship served as the reason for letting it slip. I merely dabbled in the practice, accumulating the equipment and supportive videos but tucking them just out of sight. I became a lapsed yoga student. It was a yoga seed planted in shallow soil.

 

Since our move has placed us in a neighborhood that lacks the same delightful place to do morning walks on the edge of our community, the membership at a local gym seemed the best way to recommit to our much needed and appreciated exercise. The double bonus was the availability of yoga classes.

So now, instead of cramped up tight toes I am developing Yoga toes.

That’s right, Yoga Toes.

Wide spread, supple and steady toes now provide support my Tree Pose. I am feeling stronger, more flexible and finding peaceful sleep with the integration of an evening relaxation practice. I feel more ready each day to walk “in Christ” and to offer presence to others as I find greater physical strength and flexibility.

“As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace.” Ephesians 6:15

Footnotes - Crunch Toes

Miracles

 (Kateri Tekakwitha, First Nations Saint )

The Bible contains a lot of stories about Jesus performing miracles

All good and fine for the folks of Ancient Palestine, but how about today?

What has happened to miracles?

It's a question that gets posed by quite often, not only by skeptics, and atheists, but also by "true believers"!* (I really can't believe I just used that phrase, but it seems to fit under the circumstances.)


My theory (how's that for mixing science with religion) is that miracles occur far more frequently than any of us realize. The miracle exists with or without attribution. More often than not the miracle simply is not noticed because we are looking for external evidence. All too seldom do we remember to count the internal changes that God manifests within us as miracles. Healing miracles wrought changes within not just the physical body, but also the mind and spirit.

Still, we fail to recognize even the purely physical miracles because we have difficulty tracking the evidence, the chain of events which lead up to the miracle.

Here's a story to illustrate my theory.

The story starts out

 "Jake Finkbonner was so close to death after flesh-eating bacteria infected him through a cut on his lip that his parents had last rites performed and were discussing donating the 5-year-old's tiny organs. " 

It continues on to tell how one person, with amazing faith and perseverance came to his bedside with something of a last ditch intervention. The power of faith in God's desire to see health and wholeness restored to little Jake was the basis of the intervention. After every other effort had been exhausted, one believing community began intercession through a soon to be saint, Kateri, known as Lily of the Mohawks, and a relic of the soon to be saint was brought to the boy where he lay in the hospital, so near to death.


Miracles do occur with far more frequency than we ever acknowledge. In fact, I think miracles are like trees that fall in the woods... their sound is cast with a thunderous bang. But they go unnoticed because no one was near enough to crash site to hear it.

Those miracles may be of many varieties:

• Miracles of the deep wounds from broken relationships becoming places of forgiveness after years of determined resentment. 
• Miracles of rescuers being within reach of an accident, and proper treatment being engaged soon enough to revive the fallen, injured or trapped. 
• Miracles of addictions being overcome through the power of the Holy Spirit.  

Many other too numerous to list can truly be claimed as miracles, and with it thanksgiving and praise to God should ascend to the heights of heaven daily. The most important miracles, for which we rarely stop to give thanks to God, is the very miracle of being loved by God; NO EXCEPTIONS
 -----------

*"True believers" are those persons who deeply profess faith in God, and hold fast to the conviction that salvation comes through belief in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, crucified, died, buried and resurrected. They may be tolerant or not, defensive or not, and from any denomination of the one holy catholic church.

Study peace

Several weeks ago I wrote briefly about being commissioned to serve in my parish as a healing minister.


I have not shared how or why I came to the place where I would be open to accepting such a title, but think it would be helpful for others to "hear" the story of my journey.

The story starts with a clergy convocation in Pendleton, OR while I was serving as Pastor.

The purpose of the convocation was focused upon training for Healthy Boundaries in ministry. More pointedly, the training addressed a case within the Conference Order of Elders which had brought great pain to many. Clergy as well as lay members experienced profound injury. 

The continuing Education was conducted by Faith and Trust Institute. The remainder of the day included a listening session and a closing worship service which included anointing and prayer as well as the consecration of Holy Communion.

The day of listening touched a place deep within me. While I personally had not been a "victim" of the perpetrator which triggered the need for our gathering, I did realize a wounded place within myself that was in need of similar balm. I left the place knowing in a new way, through my own experience, that pastoral ministry must be about bringing healing and comfort just as much as it offers a challenge and charge to transform the world. Healing is the source of transformation, the salvation which all the world so desperately needs.

In the period since that one powerfully charged experience I began a quest for information about healing ministries. At first the quest was very spotty. But as time passed I became more intrigued and insistent to make a connection with an existing organization outside the church. In spite of the strong urging from the Holy Spirit to learn about and develop my own healing ministry, I also found more obstacles, or perhaps I should just call them resting places between each exploration.

As I searched for information I was reminded of a long before whispered response from the Holy Spirit; Study peace.
                                                                 SHALOM 

                                                                                RECONCILIATION
                                                PEACE
 
                                                               WHOLENESS 

HOLINESS AND WELL-BEING 

                  TRANSFORMATION 

                                                                          REJUVENATION

When our interim priest arrived, he and I formed an immediate affinity and mutual concern to explore the topic of the healing ministry of the Church with one eye  focused upon the opportunity to develop a lay pastoral team of healing ministers.


Serving as a healing  minister allows me the profound opportunity to be a source of peace, very much in the tradition of St. Francis.

Each week, as I take my place at the Lady Altar, ready with the blessed oil, I say a prayer of thanks for the congregation which Christ has drawn me to become attached to in ministry. I am blessed through their acceptance of many of my gifts. But none quite so much as when I am able to be in prayer with a brother or sister in Christ.

Study peace.... be at peace...bring peace

Free Time

I can remember people telling me I needed to get a life.

The people who told me that always seemed to have plenty of "free" time.

I don't have a job, I have a vocation. I have abundant masses of meaningful ways to connect with people which require scheduling my time to fit their schedules.

Writing, reading, and
bringing people together
for major projects require patience.

A man I am just beginning to know 

in the course of my work 

exploring the possibility 

of starting a community garden 

tells people that gardening teaches patience and humility. 

I wonder, 

do you suppose 

that is why Jesus 

so frequently used 

parables with 

agriculture 

built into them?

Now that I have been commissioned as a healing prayer minister for our parish I am discovering that maintaining spiritual disciplines is all the more important, and realizing a certain sloppiness in my practice

Patience to sit in God's presence is imperative; not an option, not something merely done occasionally. 

No, it must be pursued with persistence, not relegated to the chance occurrence of Free Time.        

Healing Minister

Jehovah Rapha... God who heals

Two and a half years ago I attended a weekend Healing Mission conducted by the Order of St. Luke the Physician.
 
That weekend I committed to engage in a study of the stories of Jesus' healing ministry in the Gospels. The scriptures are full of stories of God's reconciling and restoring work during Jesus' life. What about today?

That weekend in January was one of many places along a five year journey to understand the healing ministry in the Church. It has been a fitful journey, with starts and abrupt stops many times along the way. I signed up as an associate member of the Order of St. Luke but could not make a viable connection.
The obstacles seemed as much directed by the Spirit as anything could. I continued my studies independently, attending many different events named as healing services and classes.

I've always felt a part of my call was to peacemaking, one that included facilitating reconciliation and peace, but struggled relentlessly to find a genuine expression of that call, especially a sacramental expression, something that could be experienced within the context of worship. 

How could I integrate healing into my ministry? Intention to offer oneself as an intercessor for healing ministry is an awesome and scary step. Would I have to be a wild eyed crazy person, like the movie character played by Chevy Chase or those television evangelists? If that's what it would require, there's no way I would submit myself to that type of calling or ministry..no wild eyed evangelist for me!

During Lent in 2011 I had the privilege of framing the question  within a five week course which I taught collaboratively with our Interim Priest, Fr. Paul Price. This course opened up to me the rich tradition the Episcopal Church maintains as a leader in integrating healing ritual into the liturgy.

What I discovered is that Anglicans have been offering a dignified ministry of anointing and healing prayer within worship, at special services, and in pastoral care settings following in the tradition of the early church.

And since collaborating on that course we have offered a weekly healing service with Holy Eucharist. participating in the service offering intercessory prayer and joining in the laying on of hands has been one of the most precious places of ministry during the past year.

This month I asked God, how was I supposed to be faithful to the call that was placed on my heart, and one of the answers was "deepen your healing ministry."

But Lord, do I have enough faith?

The Spirit whispered..."I have given you sufficient faith. Go, be true to the call...you are a minister of healing in my name."

Where the Spirit deposits

Who knows where the Spirit is leading and whom you will touch?

Last Sunday morning the reading from the Book of Acts (8:26-40) was the story of Philip and the work of the Holy Spirit. It is the story of the conversion of the Ethiopian Eunuch. In this story we are told that Philip drops in and drops out of the life of this court official. While he is with this God-fearer, Philip explains the message of text that he has been reading in Isaiah, and how the fulfillment was found in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. One more is added to the contingent of believers in Jesus Christ, as the Eunuch asks to be baptized, and Phillip responds without hesitation. “And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away.” Wow, now that is blowing in the wind!

It’s a great story, for many reasons, most of which I will entirely ignore today. Bishop Mary Ann Glasspool used it as the basis for her sermon at the Bloy House Graduation on Saturday. It was tough to resist using the message I had just heard the day before as I prepared to preach on Sunday, but I did. (I stuck with the Gospel of John and the image of the vine being the church, and the organic nature of this passage, and my own theological view of pruning not as judgement, just the cycle of life). So, while I was working in my garden, trimming and tending to the roses I was thinking about the truth contained in the text from Acts as a message for me.

Here I am, seeking to be faithful, to serve God as best I can. There are days when I think perhaps I’m seeking something beyond my reach; a fool of sorts. At times, I feel blown around and confused by what I experience as the direction of the Holy Spirit. Am I being faithful and am I discerning clearly? Why am I here now? What lies ahead? Is this how Philip felt when “an Angel of the Lord” instructed him to “get up and go”?

But every so often the Spirit shouts at me; “it’s not just about you!”

Yesterday I recalled the many changes that have occurred in the lives of both Tim, and I. The journey we have traveled thus far has been filled with many places of grace and healing presence. While I continue to think in terms of my calling being the reasons for our itineration to Idaho, for me to assume the authority and responsibility of a ministry as pastor once I completed my M.Div., so much more occurred during that time in Idaho.

While I was fully occupied with the care of the congregation and ministry in the community, Tim had the opportunity to explore a new vocation* as well, in the healing ministry of being a first responder. Rural communities throughout the nation depend almost entirely upon the willingness of neighbors to become equipped and serve, responding to emergencies without pay.**

Since returning to California he has continued to take work as an EMT. Yesterday, I began to recall some of the stories he has told me about calls to which he has responded. I began to realize that the Holy Spirit has been using my calling as a way to draw Tim into his own healing ministry.

Many of the calls he has dealt with have just been usual race track incidents. But then there have been cases where having an EMT present really was a matter of life preserving significance.

He also has stories of responding to accidents where the ending remains a mystery to us. On a ride home after work, when a collision occurred, the driver sitting with the forklift pressed against the throat was in danger of bleeding out waiting for the local EMS to arrive on scene. Remaining calm, assessing the situation and applying pressure made the difference between certain death and possible recovery. 

What neither of us know is what will become of each of the people that are still alive because Tim was equipped, and ready to respond to their emergency. How will God move in each of their lives because Tim was there for just the right period of time and then sent off to another place. This is the mystery we need to embrace as we continue to discern to what place and for what purpose we will go next, and for how long we are to stay in any place.

Every now and then it is helpful to sit under a rose bush and stare into the tangled form to clear out the overgrowth and deadheads. You never know what the Spirit will suggest to you as you work away at the task.

One thing is clear to me, God doesn’t make it easy. And frankly, I think that’s not playing fair. At least Philip had “an Angel of the Lord” telling him what to do, and provided the transportation at the end of the mission too. I could use an encounter with one of your Angels, Lord. 

I promise, I’ll pay proper attention if you do send one, if you make it clear that this is your messenger.

Would you send one to us soon? Picture id included?!

* He has maintained his insurance license in the state of California and, while in Idaho also held current Insurance License in that state as well. 

** There is great inequity throughout the nation’s medical care when the system relies upon volunteers, rather than providing employment. Young people needing to support themselves are drawn away to larger metropolitan areas so that they can earn a living fulfilling their calling because the economies of smaller communities cannot bare the burden.